Forsaking the Fifth

It was a long eight-hour drive to Calaveras County!  Elizabeth' mind wandered aimlessly over her muddied past making frequent pit stops along the way.  She could never remember having a stable home with her Mom or her sisters.  It seemed that they were always just staying at someone's house before being kicked out and having to find another place to stay.  Over and again; this pattern was like a dull refrain.  She didn't know her father.  Hell, Mom probably can't give me his name.  She seriously doubted that any of her brothers or sisters had the same father.  Her family was absolutely nuts. Why had it all seemed so normal to her at the time?  

Now in retrospect, Elizabeth realized how crazy everyone seemed, and all the drama and chaos that surrounded her during that time in her life.  Every adult she met had been arrested at one time or the other; never knew one who hadn't been.  Everyone fled and scattered like birds if a cop or county car was seen.  The physical brawls and screaming matches were just a routine.  Like the time, Mom got into a fist fight with another woman.  Mom really messed up the woman's face.  Elizabeth remembered watching the fight from behind the recliner; she had been so scared because she thought that the police were going to come and hurt her mom again.  The time before, the cop had hit Mom with his stick while trying to force her hands behind her back so he could handcuff her.  

There were some good times too.  The best time was when they had lived in an abandoned warehouse for several months before being found out.  The depot was uncomfortable with the hard and cold cement floors.  But, it had been so calm because there was no one else there except Mom and her sisters.  Then, the cops told Mom she had to go because she was trespassing.   

Elizabeth's Mom had no one else to turn to, and couldn't find a place to stay.  Mom also said she was in a world of hurt because the cops were looking for her.  So they had started hitch-hiking across the country from Florida.  It was November; Mom and all three girls; each of us bare-footed with our hair encased with lice, filthy as all get out.  We were sleeping in parking lots, and in drug infested basements with all kinds of strange men. 

When they arrived in Las Vegas, Elizabeth remembered being dazzled by all the beautiful lights, which lit up the sky.  Then, they descended into the dark tunnels beneath the city streets of Las Vegas.  It was like entering the gates of Hell!  There were all kinds of scary people, mumbling sometimes even screaming to themselves.  She was so cold, frightened, and extremely tired.  However, she refused to sleep, forcing herself to remain awake or who knows what could happen.  She had to protect Tabitha; it was her responsibility.  Mom had passed out for she managed to score a bottle. Elizabeth knew how she had managed to procure a bottle, but she couldn't even admit it to herself, even now.  She'd heard the rustle of clothes and the grunting.  She just knew her mom was going to get Aids or something.  When her brother, Sammy got there, she had said as much to him, blurting out that Mom was going to die from aids, sooner or later.  Sammy told her to shut the fuck up for she was too young to know about such things. 

Mom had lost Serena, Sammy, and Daniel, to the social workers in Florida, ten years prior.  Sammy would have been about six at the time.  At sixteen, Sammy kept running away from his foster homes and finding us.  Don't know how he ever managed to track us down each time but he'd catch up with us along the way, even across several states. I swear he must have been a dog in his previous life; the way he tracked us all down. 

When the police came, Danielle ran away like usual; she was always taking off.  Initially, it was just me and Tabitha that went to live with Aunt Evelyn, but eventually the police found Danielle.  She was sent her to live with Evelyn too.  Elizabeth knew that Sammy had told the social worker where to find Mom and us because she had overheard Sammy talking with the social worker that night.  She had listened hard even though she had to pretend to be playing so they'd continue to talk in front of her.  If they knew, she was listening they'd whisper and move away from the area.  The adults had always done that.   

The lady social worker told him that he had done the right thing by helping protect his little sisters.  She also told him that Mom hadn't changed in the ten years since he went into care.  If she hadn't changed in all that time, what made him think she ever would.  In fact, it was highly unlikely that she ever would.  Also, she was facing charges in Florida for Arson; she set something on fire for money so she'd be facing prison time.  She told him he shouldn't run away anymore for it was only two years until he'd get out of the system and then, he could go wherever he wanted.  

"What was Sammy thinking, that if the family all got back together, we'd be the Brady bunch or something?"  That was the last time she'd seen her brother.  Sammy was sent back to Florida that night on the plane.  Maybe she could look him up and see if he's okay.  She didn't even know Serena or Daniel.  They had been placed in foster care before she was even born, but Sammy had told her all about them.  Would any of them want a relationship with her at this point?  Was she just chasing shadows, in hopes of finding something real and solid that she could hang onto?  Maybe it was better to keep looking at her past through the rearview mirror and build something completely different out of her life. 

Elizabeth shifted her position behind the wheel, she needed to find a rest stop soon, a cup of coffee would do her good.  Her mind quickly dived back into the past again.  She and Tabitha had been placed in guardianship with their aunt and uncle, Evelyn and Wade Heald in Sheldon, CA   Later, when Danielle was found, she was sent to live with Aunt Evelyn too. Somebody should have got a clue that it would be a disaster from the get-go. 

She had never even met her aunt and uncle before being placed in their home.    Evelyn and Wade had never had any children of their own.  They did not want to be saddled with three children and then deal with all their problems.    

And boy, there were problems from the very beginning.  Danielle was always taking off and running away.  Her older sister never looked out for anybody but herself, and that has never changed.  She constantly started problems or fights and then, she'd just disappear.  She was never around to face the consequences or pick up any of the pieces after a blowout.  "I always got stuck cleaning up her messes!" 

Then, there was Tabitha.  She did not talk, never uttered a word; she was diagnosed with selective mutism.  I really don't know if Tabitha was unable to actually speak.  Maybe by design, she chose to remain silent, in distain of the circumstances or in order to shut out the world.  Ultimately, her little sister appeared, well, disconnected from the everyday matters.  Aunt Evelyn would often say things that were unfair, mean-spirited, hurtful, or simply wrong; which Tabitha seemed unable to hear, understand, or maybe she just couldn't express her pain.  Someone had to protect Tabitha because she couldn't defend herself.  I guess that someone was me.  As a result, I always seemed to be talking for both of us.  In hind sight, I shouldn't have talked as much at the time but I couldn't help it.  Talking always seemed to get me into all kinds of trouble.  I always spoke what was on my mind, and didn't realize what kind of reception my words would get.  Now thinking back, it was just the blunt honesty and candor of a six-year-old child.   

However, Evelyn always took exception to what I had to say, as if we became locked in some invisible battle.  Over the following months, I became the source of all Evelyn's problems and hang-ups, she could barely stand to look at me towards the end.  Evelyn seemed to adore Tabitha because she never said anything, and always just did as she was told.  "Didn't Evelyn realize Tabitha never objected or talked back because she couldn't speak?"   

"Hell, Evelyn even called me a thief and accused me of stealing."  She found packages of Top Romen in my bed, and I got beat with a hair brush for it.  I wasn't trying to steal anything!  I was afraid that us- girls would go hungry again, when we left her house.  I didn't quit taking the top Romen though, just learned to hide it better.   

The relationship between my aunt and uncle became steadily worse.  Evelyn and Wade were always arguing and constantly at each other's throats.  Sometimes, their arguments would turn into physical fights, mostly pushing and shoving matches.  One morning after a long shouting match, Aunt Evelyn flung a bowl of cereal at Uncle Wade's head.  "She hit her mark!"  I can still remember the cereal and milk cascading down poor Wade's face. 

One day, Danielle told a teacher that Uncle Wade had been making her touch him in the privates.  The teacher told Danielle that she would have to tell the police about it.  Again, Danielle took off and ran away before the police arrived at the school.  I'm sure Danielle didn't want Evelyn to find out what she had revealed.  "But then, I don't really know if Danielle was telling the truth or not.  She was definitely a pro when it came to starting trouble!"  The police came out to talk to Wade.  But, Danielle had disappeared so no one could talk to her about it.  Therefore, Uncle Wade wasn't arrested.  He left the house and refused to come back. 

From that time forward, Evelyn was more crazy and mean.  It seemed like I was always walking a fine line to stop Evelyn from going off on me.  But it didn't matter, Evelyn told the social worker that she wouldn't have me living under her roof anymore, they had to move me to some other home.  After a meeting at the CPS offices, she refused to take me back home with her, and they took me away from my sister.  "I lost Tabitha that day, never saw her again.  It's all my fault!  It was my job to protect Tabitha.  It always had been, and without me there, Tabitha was lost."